


What do you see in me?

by Newagenewbarricade



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, amnesiac molly, dysphoria talk, hiding self loathing under body mods and faux confidence, scar discussion, trans!molly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 22:58:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14122680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newagenewbarricade/pseuds/Newagenewbarricade
Summary: “Fake it till you make it” but you can only lie to yourself for so long.Or that fic where Molly is comforted by Caleb





	What do you see in me?

        Molly wasn’t having the best night. Well that was putting it mildly, Molly felt like he’d been ripped apart by a manticore. He stood in front of the full body mirror in his room, he’d splurged on having a room all to himself tonight, he didn’t really want to be alone but he wasn’t sure he could deal with being with the others either. He put his hand on the mirror, letting his nails tap at the dingy glass. He frowned as he looked at his scars, some were from battle, blood maledicts and the like, his hand hovered over a little sunburst just above his nipple, a darker lavender that never healed right.  
        That one was his own doing, he could almost laugh at how such a small wound could’ve killed him if he had been just a bit more careless with himself. He wanted to walk away from the mirror, maybe put his shirt back on and get some sleep but he found himself anchored in place. He touched the two scars that ran under his chest, they were even but rough to the touch, they weren’t as shallow as the others. He knew there was something before the carnival, a story behind these scars and his tattoos, sometimes he was grateful he didn’t remember. It would however be nice if the anxieties and pain of the past had stayed forgotten with the memories themselves. Molly had no idea why he was faced with such fear when the smell of cinnamon filled the air, only that it activated some primal fear response within his very core.  
        He pinned his eyes shut, as much as he tried to love himself and his body, he just couldn’t. Fake it till you make it was his mantra with everything, but you could only lie to yourself for so long. He ran his hands over the chains on his horns, the cold metal sliding against his overheated hands was always a good sensation, it made him ignore the prickling of his skin. Molly opened his eyes, his own shocking figure staring back at him in the mirror. If I can’t stand myself now it must’ve been unbearable before he thought to himself as he stared at his tapered waist and ran his hand along his jaw. He couldn’t envision it in his mind but his hands remembered a much softer face than the one he had now. There was a knock at the door,  
        “Molly? May I come in?” Caleb’s voice wafted through the door.  
         Molly leapt at the sudden sound and hurriedly put his coat on, “Of course.” He said, plastering on a flirtatious smile as Caleb entered the room. Caleb smiled softly at Molly. He wanted to wrap his cloak tighter around himself, to bury himself in it but instead he flared it away from himself with a flourish, taking note of Caleb’s gaze resting on his collarbones.  
        “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?” Molly asked.  
        “You don’t normally turn in this early, I was worried.” Caleb scratched the back of his neck and looked at the floor, minimizing himself as if he wanted to dissolve into the floor. Molly couldn’t stop the soft smile that crept up on him,  
        “That’s sweet Caleb, I assure you nothing is wrong.” He was lying, it was a dirty lie just like every word he’d ever said to any of the nein. He wanted to scream to rip his skin apart and curl up in a ball and just remember, at least then he’d be able to move on.  
        “Ah, of course.” Caleb walked over to him and brushed a jeweled braid out of Molly’s face, “My mistake.” His hand lingered on Molly’s cheek, his thumb resting in an ugly divet Molly clawed into his own face before Yasha had pulled his bloodied hands away from his face.  
       “Mollymauk, come back.” Caleb said imitating the tone Molly had used with him plenty a time before.  
        “I uh, forgive me I got away from myself for a moment there.”  
        “You don’t need to tell me what that’s like.”  
Molly knew Caleb had a flawless memory, he also knew how much it plagued the man but sometimes he couldn’t help but be envious,  
        “At least you know what haunts you.” Molly mumbled, tail swishing nervously. Molly couldn’t read the expression on Caleb’s face, he looked like he was going to say something. Molly stepped away, Caleb’s hand fell away from his face. He took a deep breath,  
         “Molly, you clearly have something you want to say.”  
         Molly looked up at Caleb and tossed his coat to the side, he stood in front of Caleb, exposed from the waist up his arms away from his sides,  
         “What do you see when you look at me?” He asked, one of his fangs digging into the skin next to his lip piercing.  
Caleb looked confused,

        “I see you Mollymauk, what else would I see?”  
Molly exhaled sharply, “No, don’t bullshit me Caleb. What do you _see_.”

        He felt like his scars were pulsing as Caleb formed the words to reply. Molly curled and uncurled his fingers letting the soft clink of metal soothe him a bit.  
         “I see a liar, a conman, a brave fighter” Caleb began looking beyond Molly as he spoke, “I see the man who brings me back when my mind wanders. I see someone willing to hurt himself to save others.” Caleb began picking at his nails and somehow Molly felt like he was seeing Caleb in a vulnerable moment and not the other way around, “I see a beautiful man.”  
Molly wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry, he took a step closer to Caleb,  
         “What do you see in me?” Molly motioned to his scars, “these aren’t beautiful, only some of these are from battles.” He placed Caleb’s hand on the scarred ditch in his cheek, “I did this to myself for no reason.” His hands were shaking.  
         “I have these tattoos for some reason, I assume they once had a meaning. Now they’re just the reason only one of my arms is covered in these,” He looked at his bare arm, a mixture of little sunbursts and thin lines from his sword work, “these little bastards.”  
         “Mollymauk.” Caleb’s voice broke Molly’s train of thought. He jolted at turned his gaze to Caleb,  
         “What?” He bit the inside of his cheek, he could feel tears in the corner of his eyes and he loathed it.  
         “Your scars don’t make you any less beautiful.” Caleb cupped Molly’s face, “I don’t think anything could.”  
         Molly was definitely crying now, he kissed Caleb gently and buried his face in his shoulder,  
        “I love you.” He whispered.  
        Caleb wrapped his arms around Molly and held him close leaving no space between them. He kissed the top of Molly’s head, “I love you too, scars and all.”  
        Molly shook in Caleb’s embrace he took in Caleb’s smell, a mixture of earth, ink and a little bit of Frumpkin. He was so close to Caleb, he could envelop himself in Caleb’s coat if he really tried. He felt Caleb bump into his hipbone and leapt back, hands still gripping Caleb tightly,  
        “I can go—“ Caleb began.  
        “No! I want you to stay I just,” He looked at the ground, “You just can’t touch my hips tonight.”  
        Caleb took half a step towards Molly, he gently took the hand balled into his lapel and pressed a kiss to each knuckle.  
        “Is this okay?”  
        “Yes, please, just not, not there.” Molly once more nodded toward his hips.  
        “Of course.” Caleb kissed Molly’s open palm. Molly led Caleb to the bed and laid down.  
        “Join me, if you wish.” It was half a question half a plea. Caleb took off his boots and laid beside Molly. He pressed a kiss to Molly’s forehead. Molly wrapped his tail around Caleb’s thigh. Caleb glanced down momentarily and smiled at Molly he slowly ran his thumb across Molly’s cheek,  
        “I love all of you.” He said.  
       Molly wrapped his arms around Caleb,  
       “Never let me go.” He whispered.  
       “Niemals.” Caleb agreed.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to @wibbelkind for fixing my German! The word means “never” btw  
> Basically this was an excuse for me to project all my problems onto Molly. In this fic he has dermatillomania and autism. Meet me on tumblr @alinnsurana comments always appreciated! Is it Thursday yet?


End file.
